Hi, I’m Dr. Parik Patel, BA, CFA, ACCA, Esq. If you don’t know me already, I’m a Chartered FinMeme Analyst (CFA) with a particular expertise in #stonk valuation (pro-tip: just multiply by two). Anyways, I’ve been told that I have a particularly special insight into the world of finance and memes, so the team at Bullish asked me to create a regular round-up to help explain what the hell happened this week… and then offer my “diagnosis” of the virality.
The post-4/20 haze has lifted, and this week was packed full of noteworthy happenings, with earnings season well underway. Companies like Apple, Tesla and Facebook all smashed earnings expectations, proving that the tech rally is far from over. Equities aren’t the only things outperforming recently, with lumber up more than 60% YTD. And if you thought that was impressive, just take a look at Dogecoin, which is up more than 6,000% YTD.
Once again, big stuff is going down, but what does it all MEME? Without further ado, let’s dive into Dr. Parik’s Meme Diagnosis of the Week…
Summary: Despite smashing earnings expectations after reporting a record net income of $438 million during the quarter, Tesla stock dropped by ~4% the very next day. Of that $438 million, Tesla earned $101 million from sales of Bitcoin during the quarter after purchasing $1.5 billion of the cryptocurrency in early February.
Dr. Parik’s Diagnosis: It is very clear from the reaction to the earnings that investors are punishing Elon Musk for having paper hands and selling Bitcoin. How is anyone supposed to trust a CEO if he is unable to HODL to the moon?
Summary: Lumber has been on an epic rip lately, with wood prices up more than 60% YTD — and up 400% over the past 5 years. Prices are soaring due to COVID-19, as well as strong demand from homebuilders, all while supply has tightened across the country.
Dr. Parik’s Diagnosis: If you are searching for a gift for your significant other, forego Cartier bracelets and instead consider random length lumber futures. One is expensive and unnecessary. The other is an appreciating asset that you can use to build cool stuff. Mother’s Day is around the corner. Maybe your ma would appreciate a stack of 2x4’s this year...
Summary: Lumber isn’t the only asset that has been outperforming lately. Cryptocurrencies, and in particular meme coins, have spiraled out of control, with Dogecoin up more than 6,000% YTD and new cryptos like safemoon and cumrocket taking early adopters to the moon.
Dr. Parik’s Diagnosis: Imagine spending hours of your life analyzing stocks and building financial models in hopes of retiring at 65, only to be beaten to the punch by some teenager who invested their money in a joke currency called cumrocket? Life, well, cums at you fast… and memes truly are the future.
Summary: Some welcome news and a sign that we’re moving… The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently updated its guidance to suggest that fully vaccinated people do not need to wear masks when meeting people outside. This is a true sign that we’re slowly inching towards the light at the end of the tunnel that is the COVID-19 pandemic.
Dr. Parik’s Diagnosis: Regardless if you’re vaccinated or unvaccinated, with most active fund managers failing to beat the market, the CDC still recommends that instead of YOLO’ing on the latest trending stocks, you simply invest your money into a low cost S&P 500 index fund. This advice did not come from Dr. Fauci.
Summary: Let’s finish this week’s column off with some words of wisdom. If your main circle isn’t discussing these important topics, then you need to find yourself a new circle. Your network is your net worth, and tax evasion and NFTs will help you to boost that further.
Dr. Parik’s Diagnosis: I used to hang out with losers who invested in bonds and index funds. Now I chill with people who evade taxes and invest in NFTs. I may be facing several margin calls and avoiding the IRS, but at least I have a cool network that knows how to hang.
So there you have it! That was the week in memes. Now here’s what the doctor is prescribing:
- Never have paper hands or you will be punished
- Romantic partners want lumber not Cartier
- Invest in cumrocket instead of Walmart
- Upgrade your network and entourage regularly
~ Dr. PP out